The Leadership Skill We’ve Lost and How to Bring It Back

We’ve lost the ability to engage across different opinions, and it’s causing ripple effects in workplaces, schools, and communities. Let me share a quick story to illustrate the issue.

A few weeks ago, I asked my high school-aged son what his social studies class discussed after the presidential election. His answer floored me: “We don’t talk about it because the teachers don’t know how.” Social studies is exactly where these discussions should happen, right? But it’s not that teachers didn’t know how—they were afraid. Fear of backlash, angry parents, or lawsuits stopped them from navigating these tough conversations.

This avoidance isn’t confined to classrooms. It’s a societal problem. By running from discomfort, we’re teaching future leaders that silence is safer than dialogue and that avoiding differences is easier than engaging with them. As leaders, we have an opportunity to flip the script. It starts with us leaning into discomfort and modeling how to engage across different perspectives. If we can’t navigate tough conversations, how can we inspire our teams to innovate, collaborate, and thrive?

Here are five tips to rebuild this critical leadership skill—with practical examples to help you start today:

Tip #1: Trade Judgment for Genuine Curiosity

Curiosity is the antidote to defensiveness. When a colleague presents an idea you disagree with, resist the urge to immediately counter it. Instead, ask open-ended questions like, “What led you to that conclusion?” or “What problem are you trying to solve?” For example, imagine a team meeting where someone proposes cutting a long-standing program you value. Instead of dismissing the idea outright, ask about their reasoning. What challenges are they seeing? This approach doesn’t mean you have to agree, but it allows you to understand their perspective while keeping the conversation collaborative.

Tip #2: Build Bridges, Not Walls

Inclusivity doesn’t mean agreement on everything—it means engaging despite differences. A productive disagreement isn’t about winning; it’s about understanding. For instance, if a team member challenges your approach, share your perspective respectfully and invite theirs: “Here’s what I’m thinking—what’s your take?” This signals that their input matters, even if you don’t see eye to eye. Keeping the conversation open shows leadership, even in disagreement.

Tip #3: Turn “Yes, But” into “Yes, And”

Shutting down ideas can stifle innovation. Instead of defaulting to “Yes, but,” try “Yes, and.” Suppose someone suggests a bold but risky strategy. Rather than pointing out flaws right away, say, “Yes, and how could we mitigate the risks?” This simple shift fosters collaboration, encourages diverse thinking, and keeps the dialogue forward-focused.

Tip #4: Reflect to Connect

Active listening isn’t just polite—it’s powerful. Paraphrasing what someone says demonstrates you value their input. For example, if a team member expresses frustration about a process, respond with, “It sounds like you’re saying this process slows things down—am I hearing you correctly?” This not only clarifies understanding but also defuses tension and builds trust.

Tip #5: Lead with Calm, Even in the Storm

Your tone sets the stage for tough conversations. Staying calm and composed helps others feel safe and keeps the discussion productive. For example, if a heated debate arises in a meeting, acknowledge the tension: “I see we’re passionate about this issue, and that’s a good thing. Let’s take a moment to regroup so we can focus on solutions.” This models emotional regulation and keeps the conversation constructive.

Why It Matters

When leaders engage across differences, they drive progress. By modeling how to navigate tough conversations, you foster a culture of openness, trust, and collaboration. More importantly, you equip your team to tackle the complex challenges of today’s world. It’s not about agreeing with every perspective—it’s about learning from each other and building stronger connections.

Let’s stop avoiding discomfort and start leading the way.